So, it’s been almost a month since I blogged last. I really thought it had only been a week or so, but the last month of summer really flew by faster than I could have imagined! I try to blog about once per week, but when I miss that for whatever reason, I usually post a “life update” to catch you all up on what’s been going on!
So, in dog news, we’re bringing home our new puppy in just a little bit over a week! I am SO excited. SO nervous. SO ready for this new adventure. I am mostly nervous about introducing her to Max, and Max accepting her into his home.
Other than that, I am mostly just excited. I have researched this breed for over 10 years, and have always known I wanted to try out dog sports (like agility).
I’ve already signed her up for puppy classes at a facility that offers agility when dogs are 15 months old, so we’ll be working towards that when she’s a pup!
In other news, I have had two sessions at that anxiety clinic I mentioned a little while back. I saw a psychiatrist – something I haven’t done since I was 9 years old. There, we spoke for a very long time, I told her every single anxious though I’ve had, and I got diagnosed.
Because my anxiety is so severe, I have likely qualified for CBT, which is good because only a select few people who go to this clinic qualify. It was sort of a wake-up call that made me realize that this truly is not all in my head. At all.
Like I did already know that, but now I REALLY knew it. A medical doctor recognized my symptoms and affirmed that they are a) not normal and b) definitely severe.
So, I have to try medication again. I am so scared because the first time didn’t go so well.
But I am also so tired.
Tired of being afraid every time my heart skips a beat, or I notice a new speckle on my skin, or I have a headache, or my husband leaves for work and arrives 10 seconds later than usual.
I’m tired of compulsively checking my stove and front door. Tired of thinking every time I ask my husband to run an errand or walk the dog, that if something bad happens, it’ll be all my fault.
I’m tired of missing meals, overcooking chicken and then still feeling too afraid to eat it. Tired of going to bed hungry, tired of shaking on my bathroom floor for hours on end because my stomach feels “off.”
I’m tired of panicking before I have to make a phone call, or answer the phone. Tired of making my husband pay for things because I would rather avoid talking to someone new at the store. Tired of not driving. Tired of losing my independence.
I’m tired of worrying every time I eat something new or take a new pill, that maybe this is the day I’ll have a real allergic reaction. Tired of convincing myself that my throat is closing after eating a simple piece of bread, or vegetable I’ve had a million times before.
I’m tired of it ALL.
So I will try this new medication, continue seeing this psychiatrist, and try my best to distract myself with my new puppy. I have no idea if it’ll work – or what it will feel like if it does work.
Either way, I’ll keep you posted.