I haven’t blogged in over two weeks – and I know, I promised one post per week. I had been doing pretty well since March! But every time I opened up a new window to write a new post, I was stuck. Especially after my last post – which got a lot of positive response.
I find I am always a bit hesitant to write after I share a post on Facebook. I don’t often share my blog posts. I think I have a (healthy?) fear of self-promotion and I don’t like to barrage my friends and family with too many pictures or blog posts or status updates.
So, whenever I do post something, I make sure it’s (not to brag) one of my best. And after a lot of support from friends and those who follow my blog, I feel like there is so much pressure to write something ‘even better’ – even though that’s not really the point of my blog!
That’s not the only reason. The other reason is because honestly, I’ve been having a pretty hard time. My quarter-life crisis has not really calmed down at all. 26 is proving to be a hard age. I feel very old, like I’m running out of time. and very young, like my life still isn’t really in order, at the same time.
So, there haven’t really been any changes or updates since last time I posted. I am still feeling the sting of putting our kid-plans on hold. I am still excited about our future puppy but nothing has really progressed there. And I am still awaiting my first CBT and anxiety treatment appointment, which will be in August.
So, right now there is HUGE storm outside – thunder, lightning, crazy rain and wind, and it is reflecting pretty well on my mood. I have been laying in bed (well actually, the spare bed at my parent’s house because I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow and my dr. is still in my old city) for the last 3 hours.
And yeah, I am having a bit of a pity party. And I’m staring out at the storm feeling bad for myself. And honestly, that’s all I really have to say right now. Sometimes, days are like this. Sometimes for good reasons. Sometimes for completely unknown reasons.
Sometimes, I assumed overcoming mental illness should look like this:
See, there are obvious reasons for setbacks and dips in my mood. But overall, things are looking up! And when they’re not, well, at least I know why.
But in reality, things actually look more like this:
With mental illness, it honestly feels like sometimes I am literally going back in time. Either because of crippling nostalgia, or because I thought I was completely over something, and then BAM! A flashback or a trigger happens and it’s like I’m 8-years-old again.
It also sometimes feels like things are AWESOME even when I would normally be stressed, or completely horrible even when things are great.
So, today I don’t have much to say but that’s just how it is sometimes.