So, I promised I would blog once a week and have mostly been true to my word, more or less. This week I’ve really struggled with what to blog about. Partially because I have been hit with a bit of writer’s block, and partially because I’ve actually been …okay.
Though I have been trying to expand my blog beyond just mental health posts and life updates (like with my recent renovations posts or house hunting experience), my blog is still mostly dedicated to my mental health journey.
I find it kind of hard to write when things are going okay. For two reasons. The first is that I just don’t know what to say. Things are alright! Life is pretty good right now. I actually feel okay.
But I honestly think the bigger reason is that I’m always so scared to be happy. Like writing about my happiness (or the fact that I haven’t had a panic attack in weeks despite the fact that I probably have a recurring UTI (ugh), my house is a disaster zone because of recent renovations, and learning to deal with a big ol’ mortgage is not exactly the most fun thing in the world) will “jinx” it.
Which, is stupid. I know.
But I can’t help feeling that way. I’ve felt this way forever. Before I became much more serious about my blog, my most popular post was this one: Scared To Be Happy. And although I’ve grown in a lot of ways since writing that post back in 2013, I still feel scared to be happy when things are going well (or even just not terrible) for me.
Even though I’m scared to embrace the joy, I am still trying. I am trying to enjoy my own home, and the fact that our backyard finally has grass, and taking my dog for walks around my neighbourhood, and cooking big meals for friends and family.
Fear has taken so much away from me. I’m fighting every single day to make sure it doesn’t totally steal my joy.