Anxiety

When Everything and Nothing Matters: Dealing With Anxiety & Depression

EverythingandNothing

In order to write this blog post, I have to write about something I’ve been avoiding talking about. The next transition. It’s not even a bad thing – actually, it should be exciting. So why don’t I want to talk about? Mostly because the more I actually talk about it the more real it will be. The more I’ll have to update you. The more people I’ll have to tell if things don’t work out. But here it goes.

I’m pregnant!

Just kidding. I hope I didn’t give any family members a heart attack with that one.

No, actually, Jefferson and I are looking to buy a house. Still exciting, and probably should be less terrifying than pregnancy, but instead of excitement I mostly just feel stressed out. I am starting to feel the level of anxiety that typically turns into depression.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t make my anxiety go away. It just means I feel both at the same time, which is a really confusing feeling.

A lot of people think depression = sadness. And for sure, it can manifest itself that way. But many times depression doesn’t look like your typical bad day. It looks and feels almost like…nothing. Like nothing matters anymore. Like nothing is worth fighting for. Like getting out of bed is useless. Who cares, we’re all going to die anyway.

Except anxiety makes me feel the total opposite. It feels like everything all at once. Like everything, literally everything, matters. Like everything is worth fighting for (or having a panic attack over). Like going to bed is useless because there’s still so much to do. Like, oh my gosh I care SO much, we’re all going to die eventually!

The problem is, when you have anxiety and depression at the same time, life sort of feels like this:

Anxiety and depression gif

In the same day, sometimes within the same hour, it feels like both everything and nothing matter. It feels like there’s no point trying to find that “perfect” house for us, but at the same time, it feels like my world will fall apart if we don’t. It feels like the simplest task at work is impossible, but at the same time it feels like I’ll have a panic attack if I don’t get it done right. this. minute. It feels like there’s no point feeling afraid of anything…while feeling afraid of everything.

Both anxiety and depression suck in their own unique ways – and having both of them at the same time (though my depression is really secondary to my anxiety) probably sucks the most.

Still, I’ve been trying a lot of ‘self-care’ things and my husband and family have all been great helps (especially my husband – shoutout to the most caring guy in the world!)

Instead of pulling away from the world and keeping my fears to myself, I’ll try to update at least once a week about our house hunting “adventure.” It’s supposed to be fun, right? Maybe if I keep telling myself that I’ll eventually believe it.

15 thoughts on “When Everything and Nothing Matters: Dealing With Anxiety & Depression”

  1. I relate to this so much. Depression and anxiety being both everything and nothing is so perfectly put. When my husband and I bought a house, it was one of the most stressful times in our lives. And we had already had a baby! There is something to those major life changes and transitions that seem to unleash the beast of anxiety. Anxiety is a sneaky shit like that. Talking about the house hunting process with friends who had been through it helped me a lot. I know no one who enjoyed the process much, honestly. I have enjoyed having my house though, so there’s that. Good luck on your house hunting adventure – I look forward to following along as you share it.

    1. Thank you so much! Yeah, I sort of hoped that I would just be one of those people who didn’t get stressed at all and had a great time like on House Hunters or whatever loool who knows why I thought that, since I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way before! I makes me feel a lot better knowing this is a normal thing to feel stressed about though! I’m glad you guys eventually found a house and are enjoying it now :)

  2. Interesting post! Although I’ve had social anxiety for a long time, I haven’t really had much experience of general anxiety with my depression. Until last week, when suddenly I was feeling intensely anxious about things, particularly my job (worried I was going to get fired etc.). I’ll keep your model for understanding anxiety-with-depression in mind.

    By the way, I nominated you for the Liebster Award!

    1. Thanks for your comment and for sharing your experiences. I’m sorry you also have to deal with anxiety/depression :( I hope things start to get better soon, worrying about work can be a very stressful ordeal!

  3. Firstly I would like to offer you my best wishes for your pregnancy.
    Yes, I can relate to make of this. The old cycle of Depression/Anxiety is a difficult one to deal with, particularly as one can feed off the other, as natural reaction.
    So a person is suffering anxiety over a circumstance, the body reacts by trying to slow down the metabolism lest harm be done, this then turns into depression .
    A person is feeling very depressed, the body kicks in chemicals to get everything moving for instinctive survival purposes, this can lead to ‘overload’ and anxiety.
    So the two actually have natural bases as it were. Getting the awareness of what is going on and trying to help the body in its natural intentions are the tricky parts. It sounds easy and at times can be, but not always. And the two can be happening so fast they seem as one, which is difficult.
    That of course is a very simplified version of but one aspect of the cycle and relationship between the two states, and is not always applicable, but there is actually this odd rationale.
    I know I’ve been doing this dance for 45+ years.
    All the very best to you for 2018.
    Roger

    1. Hi Roger,

      Thanks again for such a thoughtful reply – I guess it does make sense why depression sits in during times of extreme anxiety. The last few days I’ve been doing better, but I know dealing with mental health is always a roller coaster. Definitely a cycle I am working on breaking (and definitely something easier said than done!)
      (p.s. aha so kind of you, but just wanted to clarify I was just joking about the pregnancy!)

      1. Best wishes Lauren on your journey, it is difficult but I believe you will get there, maybe 3 forward and 2 back some days but that’s how it goes. Keep on keeping on it how we do it.
        Oh I fell for that one, us grandfathers do 😊

  4. Hey thanks for the follow on my blog – I’m so glad you found mine so I could find yours!!

    I’m often torn between blowing up and acting out of control because I feel so much at once or I feel just numb (since I too deal with depression, and only in the last 6 months started to really experience anxiety – so this was very new to me). But this makes perfect sense and I’m glad that I’m not the only one who experiences this conflict of emotions. It’s hard not to feel alone and feel like I’m struggling through this stuff on my own ❤️ thanks for your blog!

    1. Hey! Yeah for sure :) I find it really helpful connecting with others who have gone through similar situations. But I am sorry you have also experienced this – it’s a very frustrating mix of emotions :/ But I definitely hope that you feel less alone and know that you are not the only one who has gone through/is going through this!

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