In order to write this blog post, I have to write about something I’ve been avoiding talking about. The next transition. It’s not even a bad thing – actually, it should be exciting. So why don’t I want to talk about? Mostly because the more I actually talk about it the more real it will be. The more I’ll have to update you. The more people I’ll have to tell if things don’t work out. But here it goes.
Just kidding. I hope I didn’t give any family members a heart attack with that one.
No, actually, Jefferson and I are looking to buy a house. Still exciting, and probably should be less terrifying than pregnancy, but instead of excitement I mostly just feel stressed out. I am starting to feel the level of anxiety that typically turns into depression.
Unfortunately, that doesn’t make my anxiety go away. It just means I feel both at the same time, which is a really confusing feeling.
A lot of people think depression = sadness. And for sure, it can manifest itself that way. But many times depression doesn’t look like your typical bad day. It looks and feels almost like…nothing. Like nothing matters anymore. Like nothing is worth fighting for. Like getting out of bed is useless. Who cares, we’re all going to die anyway.
Except anxiety makes me feel the total opposite. It feels like everything all at once. Like everything, literally everything, matters. Like everything is worth fighting for (or having a panic attack over). Like going to bed is useless because there’s still so much to do. Like, oh my gosh I care SO much, we’re all going to die eventually!
The problem is, when you have anxiety and depression at the same time, life sort of feels like this:
In the same day, sometimes within the same hour, it feels like both everything and nothing matter. It feels like there’s no point trying to find that “perfect” house for us, but at the same time, it feels like my world will fall apart if we don’t. It feels like the simplest task at work is impossible, but at the same time it feels like I’ll have a panic attack if I don’t get it done right. this. minute. It feels like there’s no point feeling afraid of anything…while feeling afraid of everything.
Both anxiety and depression suck in their own unique ways – and having both of them at the same time (though my depression is really secondary to my anxiety) probably sucks the most.
Still, I’ve been trying a lot of ‘self-care’ things and my husband and family have all been great helps (especially my husband – shoutout to the most caring guy in the world!)
Instead of pulling away from the world and keeping my fears to myself, I’ll try to update at least once a week about our house hunting “adventure.” It’s supposed to be fun, right? Maybe if I keep telling myself that I’ll eventually believe it.