Life In General

My House

 

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Max sitting on the couch in our old house

The other night I had a dream that two of my older friends (as in, older in age…but also older in that I’ve known them for a long time) came over. Instead of feeling excited to see my old friends, I had an enormous mental breakdown. Apparently, I can’t escape my anxiety even in my dreams but whatever, that’s not (really) the point. 

The next morning I told my mom about the dream, as we often share our weird or extra silly dreams with each other. I said, “Mom, I had a dream that [friends] came over and I burst out crying and ran away.”

My mom kind of smiled and said, “Was it because you felt jealous they both have kids?”

I then laughed and said, “No, it’s because I was jealous that they both have houses.”

But today I am not laughing about that. Today is a hard day. It’s a hard day because I worked the morning from “my” basement “office” with no windows. An office without my desk and without my books and without my calendar or posters or the beautiful painting my cousin gave me last year.

It’s a hard day because I miss having a kitchen and I miss being able to shower in my own bathroom and I miss having total privacy with my husband and I miss not caring about how much mud hits the floor when I take my dog inside from a walk…because it’s my floor and not my parent’s floor and I don’t care about a bit of mud in my house.

But it’s not my house. So I take up as little room as possible in the office with no windows and clean the floors every single time my dog comes inside from a walk or bathroom break. And I carry my towels to and from the bedroom that used to be familiar but now feels more like a hotel room.

I know this sounds like privileged whining, and that’s because I guess it is. I know you’re not supposed to compare your life to others. I know I “have it better” than many others.

And most days I am extremely grateful and even happy that my parents have given up so much for my husband and I to live here and save money so one day we may be able to have our own cozy home. But today in this house I grew up in, I feel like a visitor, a guest, a friend passing through.

My anxiety has been relatively under control lately but I still have those days where I can’t fight it off, and I can’t fight off the depression, and all I can do is sit in “my” room and cry.

5 thoughts on “My House”

  1. 💜 I hear you. It’s not easy when you feel like you’ve given up things you love, or feel like you’re taking a step back. The silver lining of that is that you’ll appreciate your future home SO much more, and that this isn’t a step back, it’s a step toward your future. Hope you feel better soon 💜

    1. Thanks so much :) It definitely does feel like a step back…especially after living in a 3 bedroom house for a year. But today is also a better day and I’m starting to remember why living here was the best choice and all the reasons why it’s actually helped with my anxiety!

  2. I can understand where you are coming from. I had to return to my dad’s a few years ago and it was so hard. You feel so out of control because you are an adult with tons of responsibilities, yet you have no say so about what goes in your house ( because it’s not technically yours). I am renting my own home now and I have been SOOOO tempted to go back until I could save up. But I have two little ones and two families cannot get along in one house too long. I hope you get to feeling better soon. Keep in mind that good things are about to come! When anxiety strikes, flood your mind with as many positive thoughts and scriptures as you possibly can. I have overcome anxiety this way. You have to take hold of it, and in a lot of cases, people can. Much love, hun! xoxo
    Philippians 4: 6-7

    1. Ugh, yeah that is a really good way of putting it. I do feel really out of control…and it feels even worse sometimes because I work from home. When I had my own place, I could control things like how much noise was in the house during my working hours but now I have absolutely no control over that. Anyway – thank you so much for sharing your experience and your encouraging words <3

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