Life In General

Life in General

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I have three main categories on my blog: Faith, Anxiety, and Life in General. At different points in my blog, I have written significantly about different categories. For example, a lot of my early posts revolve around Christianity and singleness. A while later, I focus on dating and my emetophobia. Lately, if you’ve noticed, I have written almost exclusively about anxiety. 

Tonight, I wanted to write a different post. I wanted to write something and categorize it as “Life in General” because I felt like I have been focusing too much on my anxiety the last few months.

Except, the problem is…my “life in general” is anxiety.

I can’t write about my life without writing about anxiety.

It is consuming. It is constant. Even when I have ‘good days,’ they are just good days despite my anxiety.

Today, my husband was talking about the retreat he will be taking our church’s youth group on in a few weeks from now. I literally could not even imagine what it must feel like to NOT be anxious when thinking about a weekend away.

To feel excited about a retreat? I don’t know what that feels like.

I don’t know what it feels like to go on a vacation without having at least one crippling panic attack. To eat out at a restaurant without second-guessing every single bite. To get in a car and not have a mini-existential crisis, realizing my life could end at any moment at the hands of another driver.

I honestly don’t know what it feels like to be okay.

I’ve spoken to other people who developed anxiety later in life. They talk about the times when they were ‘normal.’ When they were happy. When they had never felt the absolute horror of a panic attack.

I don’t have that point of reference. I have always been this way.

And honestly, I’m tired of it. I’m tired that my ‘life in general’ feels like this.

I’m sorry for such a…hopeless? post but I am feeling pretty fed up lately.

Twenty-five years is a long time to be this way.

19 thoughts on “Life in General”

  1. I know right! Must be nice to have an idea of what it’s like to ________ without feeling anxious about it. I find that my bf literally cannot understand what it is that is throwing me… He can’t fathom what it’s like to feel this way. I can’t fathom what it’s like NOT to! 😓😓😓

    1. Yup, I totally understand! My husband has never dealt with any mental health issues and I know he has a hard time understand me…but I have a hard time understanding HIM too hah! :/

  2. Hi Lauren.
    It’s OK, I can empathise with you. After 60+ years and about 50+ of feeling similar, (though probably a measure less. But who’s counting?). I can ‘get’ how you feel.
    Often it’s the anticipation of what can go wrong or might go wrong, and all the things which have to be done, which can seems quite overwhelming.
    I would never suggest in the confines of a WordPress reply on how to deal with this. There are no easy answers….. to anything in fact.
    This is a circumstance which hits many people in many ways so I will say this. You are not alone, and I wish you well. We Humans adapt, we move, we adjust, we get there.
    Keep on keeping on.
    Best wishes
    Roger.

    1. Hi Roger,

      Thanks so much for your insight and your comment :) I agree…sooo much of my anxiety (if not all of it?) comes from anticipation of what might or could go wrong. I have had ups and downs, lots of adapting and thinking I was ‘finally over it’ (until realizing this is a life-long thing). Thank you for the reminder that I am not alone!

      1. It is a very long hard road Lauren, but we adapt and make our own accommodations.
        Your blog shows you have talent, insight and perspective. Strive on and sometimes ‘roll with it’.
        Best wishes
        Roger

  3. I am one of those people who developed anxiety later on, to the point now where I am unable to leave my house with a crippling panic attack. I have memories of going abroad, just going actually today I am going to head to xyz. For me my problem is the frustration of knowing that I once did it and how much fun it was. I don’t want to use the phrase the grass is always greener because anxiety is a shitfeast either way, but sometimes I wish I didn’t have the memories. Although most the time I just wish I didn’t have anxiety

    1. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that :( I can definitely see how ‘the grass is always greener’…but yes, anxiety sucks no matter what. I would not wish it upon anyone. Just remember that you are definitely not alone!

  4. I hear you. It’s tough when you’re dealing with mental health issue long-term. I haven’t been depressed all my life, but I’ve been depressed most of my adult life (and I’ve probably had undiagnosed social anxiety since I was about four) and it’s hard hearing how other people just get on with their lives. I do envy people who had a ‘normal’ childhood/adolescence/early adulthood and wonder whether my life will ever get better.

    1. Yeah, I often wonder the same thing. I have memories of being around 7/8 years old, sitting outside on my driveway covered in chalk, having a mini panic attack…wondering if I would still be “this way” when I was 10…15…20…30… so far, I still am.

  5. I hear you. I’ve been dealing with my diagnoses for nearly half of my life now, though I believe I showed signs long before I was diagnosed. Living with mental health issues long-term is hard. I don’t have any wise words for you, but you’re definitely not alone.

    1. Thank you for the reminder that I am not alone :) I think a lot of people live with undiagnosed mental health issues for a long time. Even though I very clearly had panic attacks from an extremely young age, I didn’t get diagnosed until 16/17.

  6. I literally cannot imagine quickly packing a bag, jumping in a car with no idea where I am going. I went to an outdoor festival two weeks ago, and I booked my room 8 months earlier, along with the tickets, and it took 2 weeks of planning, and the last week of psychotically planning, a panic attack, and a minor breakdown when the person I was travelling with didn’t want to leave an hour early in case of traffic. I am 30, and I didn’t realize until 25 that not everyone felt like this when going out of town. My advice is to focus on the good days, and try not to be too hard on yourself for having the bad ones.

    1. Ugh, I definitely know that feeling. My husband and I still haven’t been on any sort of real vacation because I just can’t handle it. We are thinking about going away NEXT summer and I’m already anxious about it! When I see pictures of friends travelling the world seemingly without a care, I also literally cannot imagine what that must be like.

  7. I can agree with you. Anxiety, stress, depression…these are all hot topics right now because tons of people are experiencing them. If that alone doesn’t tell you about society and how the world is at this present time, I’m not certain what else would. Things are harder, and life is more of a challenge, there’s no way to candy-coat it. Thanks for sharing!

    1. Thanks for your comment! Yeah, as someone who has dealt with severe mental health issues my entire life, it’s been a crazy last few years with all the recent focus on mental health. When I was a kid, no one talked about these things. I’m sad that it seems anxiety/depression is becoming more common, but I’m happy to see so many people working to end the stigma.

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