Tonight, I am throwing a party. A pity party. No, I don’t want you to feel bad for me (even though I clearly feel bad for myself right now). I have struggled with mental illness for my ENTIRE LIFE. Yes, it sucks. But do you know what else it means?
It means I have spent an entire lifetime listening to things like “Think positive!” and “Don’t be such a worry wart!” and “Everything is going to be okay!” and “You’ll be so much happier if you just stop worrying!” and “This too shall pass” and “Count your blessings” and “Think of all the things you have to be thankful for!” and “Your life isn’t so hard!” and…well…I think you get the picture.
And that is all good and fine (…except to be honest it’s usually unhelpful and unwelcomed advice but whateveeeeer) but I’m tired. Tonight, I am tired of being ‘okay’ because guess what, I’m not and have never been okay!
Dwelling is not helpful. Dwelling on my health and anxiety issues makes me feel like total crap. But a few years ago, my therapist told me that it is not only okay but actually encouraged to have moments where you allow yourself to feel the crap.
So tonight, I am dwelling. I am feeling like crap. I am allowing myself to wallow in misery because my life is hard and sometimes you just need a good cry. I am allowing myself to feel these hard, genuine, scary emotions so that tomorrow I can go back to being okay. As okay as I can be, anyway.
Tonight I’m throwing a pity party and as weird as it sounds, I’m excited to go.