I often talk about how even good change is still change – and how hard that is on someone who hates change. For example, my husband and I recently moved in with my parents, which ended up being very good change…but it was still hard. Now I’ve been faced with something new; a non-change that…still feels like change.
This is the first September in literally 20 years that I will not be going to school. Even during my year off between high school and university, I went back to school in September – I initially planned on doing a victory lap until my guidance counsellor was like, “yo, why are you here?”
On Saturday, I worked for a few hours. Then the long weekend came and went, and on Tuesday my brother returned to university, my mom went back to school (she’s a teacher) and my dad I stayed home (my Dad just retired from teaching in June!)
I wondered all day why I felt so anxious. Aside from my brother and mom not being home, nothing changed. At all. I opened my laptop, began my workday, and began writing my articles like I have done every single Tuesday for almost a year now. But I still felt like something was off. I felt like something had changed.
I guess this non-change was still sort of a change, right? The first time in pretty much my entire life that September did not signal the beginning of a new school year. The first time in 20 years when there would be no “Tuesday back.”
But really, I think my brain just likes to mess with me.
“Hey,” I imagine my dumb brain saying. “You know how nothing is changing and you have no reason to feel anxious this September?”
“Well, I’m gonna make you feel anxious anywaaaaaay doesn’t that sound like fun okay bye!”
How I feel:
gif from: Giphy.com