Anxiety, Faith

Happy Anniversary

Four years ago today, I signed up with WordPress and created this blog. I didn’t have my own domain name, I had no idea what to write about, and my blog header was an owl for some reason. The original name was “Anxious & Awesome” and I never liked that title. I also never thought I would ever publicly share my blog or let anyone know who the author behind these posts were. But a lot has changed in four years. A lot. 

When I signed on to WordPress this morning, I was greeted with a happy little notification. “Happy Anniversary with WordPress!” What? I thought. How does WordPress know it’s my wedding anniversary? As I looked closer at the notification, I realized it wasn’t wishing me a happy wedding anniversary, but instead it was wishing me a happy four years on WordPress.

My wedding anniversary and my WordPress anniversary are the exact same day. Yeah, I know. This isn’t really that interesting…except it sort of is.

Because when I created this blog I used it as an outlet to vent and speak out about things in my life that I was struggling with (as I do now). But the thing I was struggling with the most four years ago was my single-hood.

One of my first posts ever was called “Life as a Single Christian Girl,” written two days after I began this blog (I know I linked to it but it’s kind of embarrassing, so feel free to ignore that it exists. Or read it and laugh at me. For example: “Sometimes it’s just hard to be single in a community where you hear of people getting engaged after only dating for three months (which I don’t particularly agree with – but hey, it’s not my life).” …Says the girl who ends up getting engaged after 6 months of dating…) Anyway.

I felt pressure to get married from the greater Christian community, but on top of that, I also wanted to get married so badly. I thought I would be alone forever, because I thought it was too late for me (at 21 years old…)

I created this blog on May 23, 2013. Exactly two years later, I would be married on that day.

marriage

This really hit me. Because when I started this blog, I was sad and scared and convinced that after my first failed relationship, I would never find someone who I wanted or who wanted me. Which seems stupid now, but I was truly terrified that I would never find someone who loved me or who made me laugh or who would put up with my anxiety. But I did. And two years later I married that person. Two years after that, well, that’s today.

Right now, I am struggling again. My husband and I decided to move on from the church we have ministered at for the past year. After lots of prayer and discernment and asking so many people for advice, we felt it was the right decision. However, he resigned before he had another job lined up – and that is terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. Just as terrifying for me as believing I would grow old completely alone.

The last few weeks have been awful for me and my anxiety. Every day I wake up stressed out that my husband won’t find another ministry position and we’ll be stuck living in my parent’s basement for years and he’ll be stuck working a dead end job forever. I worry that we’ll never be secure again. I worry that our future is ruined.

But then, I logged onto WordPress and it wished me a happy anniversary.

When I created this blog, alone at my desk in my bedroom, on a sticky May 23rd evening at approximately 7:00 p.m, I had no idea that exactly two years later, on a cool May 23rd evening at approximately 7:00 p.m, I would already be married and eating dinner at my own wedding reception.

So right now, as I sit alone at my desk in my office, on another sticky May evening at approximately 5:30 pm, I’m trying to let this stress about the future go. Because I have no idea what May 23, 2018 will look like, let alone a month from now on June 23, 2017.

I put myself through so much stress for nothing – like usual. I am going to try my hardest not to do that again. Because four years from now, I’ll probably look back and laugh at how silly I was, just like I am now.

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