I really want to start off this post with, “So, I haven’t blogged in a while…”
…But I won’t (shhh, I know I already did). I am actually, unofficially, finished my undergrad. Yes, I somehow made it through. I honestly don’t know how, but I did it.
Maybe that’s why I haven’t blogged in a while, because although I’m very happy to be finished…I’m having a hard time adjusting to real life. WHAT A SURPRISE! I knew this would happen, and I prepared myself the best I could, but it’s still a bit weird and it’s still a bit scary.
So, what am I doing with my life now that I can’t constantly complain or blog about school or the fact that introduction to statistics is looming over my head? Well, I have a job! A real, grown up job! In my field! I get to write and design for a living. FROM HOME. Literally a dream come true.
I sometimes go days without changing out of my sweatpants, and it is the greatest feeling ever. When my husband and I first met, like all couples getting to know each other, he asked me what I wanted to do after school. I told him the only way I would ever be happy while working would be to work from home.
My mental health and physical health issues are a challenge to navigate in the workplace. Working from home is the perfect solution…or so I thought.
Because you see, working from home did not solve two of my biggest issues: a lack of motivation and a fear of commitment. Commitment is terrifying to me because I am constantly in “flight mode.” When things get hard, whether that’s in school or relationships or work, I want to quit. Fighting never worked for me, so the only other option was flight.
And when I can’t fly away, I become extremely depressed and anxious – those are the worst panic attacks I’ve ever had. When I feel like I need to escape but logically know I can’t or shouldn’t…it’s a terrifying feeling. I can’t avoid life as much as I sometimes want to.
So, I love my job and I feel incredibly blessed and lucky to have a job in my field immediately after I graduated – but it’s still hard. It’s still work and it’s still a job. It’s a weekly struggle to work up the strength and energy to get my tasks done, especially at the beginning of the week when my work schedule seems endless (keep in mind, I’m even working part-time right now).
Logically I know I shouldn’t feel overwhelmed, but logic has no place where anxiety dwells. So, this is my life now. I’ve been working for almost two months, hanging out with my dog who I am clearly obsessed with, and trying to figure out what life is like without school.