I Am NOT Fine.


About two months ago (I think) I wrote a post about trying out anti-anxiety medication. My doctor gave me the most basic, least-likely-t0-react-to meds, and put me on the lowest dose. I refused to take them. So many times I thought I was going to, but then I didn’t. Well guess what, yesterday, I finally did it. I took the stupid pill.

The biggest reason I delayed taking  the meds for so long was because I am terrified of having allergic reactions to medication. When I was 12 years old, my doctor put me on a very common acid reflux medication. I reacted. Couldn’t breath. Hospitalized. Fun times!

Anyway, that sparked a deep phobia of having allergic reactions to medication. But yesterday I got over my fear, I took the medication, and you know what?

I had an allergic reaction.

Yup. I had an allergic reaction. It wasn’t your typical, “I can’t breath!” allergic reaction, so at first I thought the symptoms were normal. But then I got nervous once the symptoms hadn’t gone away before bedtime, and called Telehealth (a Canadian health hotline). They told me to go to the ER. So I did. At 12:00 A.M.

I was there until 5:00 in the morning and as I write this, I am beyond exhausted. The doctor said the reaction wasn’t severe, benedryl would take care of it, but that I couldn’t take the medication anymore and should contact my doctor about next steps.

How am I EVER going to be able to work up the courage to take another medication after this? The allergic reaction phobia stopped me from taking the meds, I work up the courage to TAKE the meds, and then BAM! My worst fears ACTUALLY HAPPEN.

I feel so lost right now. Medication was my last resort and I feel like someone is playing a horrible trick on me. This medication was the easiest one with the least amount of side effects and an extremely low chance of having an allergic reaction. Of course, I’m that “one in a million.”

I feel like I took a huge step forward, and then a MASSIVE step backwards. What am I going to do? How am I going to move forward? Honestly, I don’t even know. I have nothing positive to say this morning and I just don’t see things getting any better from here.

3 thoughts on “I Am NOT Fine.

  1. Thought you might like this new Beth Moore series I have been listening to on anxiety. She started putting these out a couple of days ago. I have watched Part 1 & 2 and am unsure if there are more. Just check back tomorrow to see if she puts out a Part 3.

    I don’t know if this idea would help you at all, but I am creating a Fear Handbook for myself to use on my flight to Cambodia where we will be working with our missionary daughter. I will be in the air for 17 hours the first leg of the trip, and then 5 more. I AM TERRIFIED TO FLY. Typically, I wait to die about the first 5 hours of the trip, flinching at every sound or bump. Once I am exhausted with worry, I finally settle down. My idea for the Fear Handbook is to write scriptures to myself and then prayers confirming the promises found there, When I am in the throws of fear, I rarely can articulate a prayer besides, “Help me.” What I need is something more solid to grasp hold of. I plan to also include instructions to myself, meditation ideas, and songs to sing. Then, in the air, I will journal a prayer to Father of thanksgiving. Philippians 4:6,7 says the way to combat anxious thoughts and receive peace is through thanksgiving. I am hoping that this little handbook I am making will also be something I can grab if any surprises pop up and I become anxiously obsessed with a situation in the future.

  2. Writing from the UK, so forgive if my question comes across as naïve but do you have access to anyone you can discuss your circumstances with? Not so much the qualified doctors, but more the qualified therapist (which can be quite different here in the UK). Someone who comes to you without an agenda and allows you to open up with your fears and experiences.
    Thinking of you.

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