I Don’t Know.


If someone asked me right now how I was doing, I wouldn’t be able to answer that question. “I don’t know,” I would have to reply. I’m feeling…weird. I have had no energy to put into blogging lately. My anxiety levels have been…also weird. I just don’t know what’s doing on with me right now.

My husband and I moved about two weeks ago. We absolutely love our new house. Our kitchen is fully unpacked and set up (yay!) and my office is mostly unpacked and usable.

One of my favourite kitchen items, given by friends for our wedding, finally on display for our guests to see!
Part of my somewhat unpacked office! Not totally sold on the current colour, but I can handle it for now.


Our basement/reck room is also almost fully unpacked. We decided to move our only couch  and the TV down there because our upstairs living space is a bit…strangely shaped. An L-shaped couch wouldn’t fit properly in there. So, right now we either hang out in my office, the kitchen, or the basement. As soon as we get our first pay checks, we’re off to Ikea.

I am also taking a summer course. Somehow, I’ve managed to get A’s on both of my tests even though I’ve skipped all but half a lecture. I guess that’s what happens when you’re a sixth year sociology student taking a second year sociology class.

I’m also doing what I love right now – I’m editing, typesetting, and publishing a book my father-in-law wrote! This is honestly my dream job right here, and I love every second of it. If I could do this for the rest of my life, I would be the happiest person on earth!

From the above, you might wonder why I feel the way I do. And I still couldn’t tell you.

I’m worried about my health, as usual. The weird ear/eye sensations are still occurring at full force. I’m still fully convinced I have some sort of serious condition, probably a brain disease/tumour.

I have an appointment with an Ear, Nose, Throat Specialist in three weeks. I’m terrified.

I’ve been excessively focused on death lately. Last night, in the middle of a movie marathon with my husband, I burst out crying at the thought of death. The idea that death is “not if, but when” nearly threw me into a catatonic state. I shook, I cried, I stared at the ceiling for far too long, and I felt utterly hopeless.

Today, I feel weird. I feel a strange combination of nothing and everything matters.

On the one hand, I tell myself, “Life is short and unpredictable, why waste it worrying? Why worry about anything? Do what makes you happy! Have fun with your husband! Worship God! Buy a dog!”

On the other hand, I tell myself, “What is the point of anything? You could die five minutes from now. Life is hopeless and meaningless. Fun times with your husband are fleeting. God doesn’t care. A dog won’t make you happy.”

My mind has ping-pongged these two thoughts back and forth all day. I don’t know what to do.

I haven’t tried that medication yet. I want to. I desperately want to. It’s sitting on my dresser right now as I type this, untouched since I put it there almost two weeks ago. I’m horrified of the side-effects and I can’t work up the strength to just try them out.

Usually, writing these thoughts out makes me feel better…but my mood has gone downhill since I started this post just 20 minutes ago. I should probably stop writing, then.

8 thoughts on “I Don’t Know.

  1. I love that recipe box! Yay for getting things unpacked and doing something you love! As things continue to become a new normal and more things get settled, I’m sure you will start to feel so as well. I know I finally am now after we reached that point. Praying for you and for this season of “out of sorts” ❤️

    1. Thank you!! Things are getting a bit better now but it definitely still feels like I’m in a stage of transition. I hope everything is going well at your new house! :D

  2. You don’t have to approve this comment for your blog.
    I have suffered from mild anxiety since I was a child and even though it sounds weird, as I have grown spiritually, my anxiety has increased. I will just give you my point of view so take it with a grain of salt. What I go through may or may not help you, but I hope it does. First of all I see my anxiety as spiritual warfare. The enemy has found my weak spot and constantly tries to take advantage of my mind, because that is where the battle takes place. As I grow closer to God, his attacks become stronger. Anything can trigger these thoughts and before I know it I am knee deep into a worst-case scenario (that’s what I call them). I am trying to train myself to abandon these thoughts the minute they rise up, but it’s hard, because it is a automatic response, a habit. Two scriptures have really helped me.
    1. Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.Philippians 4:6-7
    As I was languishing in anxiety several years ago when my son was lying in a hospital, I read this verse over and over wondering why I didn’t have this peace that is promised. The Holy Spirit helped me see the key in this verse that I was missing. I was so busy thinking about myself, how I would feel if my son died, me, me, me, that I wasn’t even thanking God that my son survived this horrible accident. The key is THANKSGIVING. So what I do now is get out my journal and write all of my fears out in prayer, and then write and write and write all of my thanksgivings. I try to have more thanksgivings before I stop writing. Think about most of the Psalms. They are written just like I journal. First anxiety, then thanksgiving and praise.
    2. The next scripture is just a continuation of the one above…And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:8-9
    This is how I stop my wandering thoughts. I recite this verse to myself. It took me a while to memorize it, but as I say it out loud, it disrupts my negativity for a moment enough for me to tell myself that the worst-case scenario I have all of a sudden found myself in, is a lie. A LIE. The only truth is here and now. I speak to the enemy out loud by saying this. Satan is the father of lies and anytime I lie to myself I am making him happy.
    So anyway, Just know that you are not alone. There are others who struggle too. I personally believe that you are being attacked by the enemy because of this move, because of your husband’s new job in ministry. Both you and your husband are a threat to him. Moving is stressful. You are tired and weak. This is the time to put on the armor of God sister, even though it is cumbersome and heavy at times. Take out the sword of the spirit which is the Word of God and stab away. Blessings, Alice

    1. Thank you so much for all of that! I totally agree with you that there is an element of spiritual attack happening, especially because of our new opportunity at our new church.
      Thank you for the scripture, the advice, and the support. I truly appreciate it :)

  3. That recipe box is adorable!!!
    Ugh about the emotions, so sorry ::hugs:: hopefully things will start to smooth out for you as you settle into your new place :-)

    1. Thank you! Things are starting to get better(ish), but I still feel like I’m in quite the transitional stage! I’m trying to be patient about it all though!

  4. My first week after moving was emotional! I was a MESS. I thought to myself, “What am I even doing here?!” But as time moved on and I was able to do some personal sorting, the emotions have settled and I am enjoying this new life change. I think when we do something new, we expect to start right in the middle when in reality we have to start at the beginning. And beginnings are really uncomfortable! You’ll be able to process all that’s happened soon!

    1. Moving is so stressful! I guess I didn’t realize how stressful it was, because the last time I really moved to a new place, I was just a kid! Things are starting to get better, but I’m still getting used to the new house. It’s really old and really creaky, and sometimes I get a bit freaked out at night haha!

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