I am exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted. Last year on May 12, I was 11 days away from getting married. You’d think I would have been more exhausted then. Wrong. I am way more exhausted now. And yet, I actually feel okay.
Why am I exhausted? Well there are two reasons. First, the temporary exhaustion – a situational exhaustion, but also somewhat the result of the second reason, which is chronic exhaustion.
Now, as some of you may know, my husband and I live in a relative’s basement apartment. We have lived here for almost a year – since we got married. We super appreciate this relative’s generosity, but it has also been a very difficult living arrangement – as we have had some issues with…boundaries.
For an entire year, I really didn’t feel like I had a safe place. When I came home from school or work or from wherever, I didn’t get the feeling of “ahhhh…home at last!” Instead, I got the feeling of “AHHHH…I feel a lot of pressure from [relative] and I’m not sure if I can relax.” For an entire year, I never once felt truly well rested.
This chronic exhaustion led to a lot of issues for me, especially because I already have a lot of issues (i.e. more anxiety and depression).
This chronic exhaustion enhanced my temporary exhaustion – like feeling overwhelmed at school, or dealing with periods of more-than-usual marital arguments.
Right now, I’m taking summer school. I’m taking the maximum amount of courses they will allow so I can ACTUALLY (God willing) finish my degree in DECEMBER. I’m also moving an hour away from my parents and all my friends and family (except for one aunt and uncle – and I’m so glad we at least have some family in our new city). My husband got a job at a church, and although we are SO excited and feel like this is where God wants us, I am also terrified of change.
Anyway, we were supposed to move at the end of June. But then two things happened: A) The house became available earlier than we planned, and B) The relative we live with really crossed a line when it came to our boundaries, and we knew it would be best for all parties if we moved out early.
The only day we could move was…this coming Saturday. So, yes. We are moving in TWO DAYS. Yeah. TWO DAYS! Our entire apartment is almost completely packed up. It feels strange to live amongst so many boxes. This week was also challenging because I started my super intense summer school courses AND had to pack up an entire apartment AND plan a move from our current city to our new one.
Yet, somehow, through all of this, I’ve been okay. Just okay. Not amazing, not completely at peace…but okay. And being just okay during this time is way more than I could have asked for. I mean, it’s probably no coincidence that around the same time I get my crap together and start consistently doing my devotionals again and REALLY putting in time to spend with God, that I feel okay about such a huge decision and such a huge change.
During this time of complete exhaustion, I have found a tiny bit of rest.