My Paradoxical Brain


Anxiety made sense to me. I’ve dealt with it my entire life, and no panic attack, fear, or paranoid thought ever came as a surprise. I understood it and could call it by name: I had GAD, emetophobia, and panic attacks. I knew I would feel scared and stressed – and I was used to that. But then depression came along and confused the crap out of me.

See, with my anxiety, I cared too much about everything. Every pain was a life-threatening illness. Every weird look from a significant other meant our relationship was over. Every bad mark meant I would flunk university. Everything made me anxious.

But then…depression. I kind of stopped caring. Death seemed imminent anyway, so who cares about sickness? Who cares about school? The future seemed bleak so nothing seemed to matter.

But see, the depression didn’t replace my anxiety for long. Soon, I began dealing with both.

Somehow, I managed to care about everything and nothing at the exact same time.

I know it doesn’t make any sense. I’ve tried to explain it, but I just can’t. Things don’t make sense to me anymore. The combination of anxiety and depression is the most confusing thing I’ve ever experienced.

I don’t have much else to say because like I said, I can barely explain it. But for those who have been following my struggle, I just want you to know that I’m doing a bit better. Definitely better than last weekend. I’ve spent the weekend with family and I’ve been trying my best to not worry about school or the future or anything else, even if it’s just for this weekend.


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