I had a bad day today. I often blog after the fact; after the pain has ended and I can see the whole thing was never a big deal to begin with. Right now, I still feel a little sad. Right now, I still feel a little anxious. Right now, I still feel a little depressed.
Today started off like any other day. My husband and I woke up, I ate a protein bar, and we went jogging. The rest of the morning we relaxed around the house, we made boiled eggs for breakfast, and then we went to counselling.
I didn’t think I would have all that much to say at counselling. But as soon as we got there, as soon our counsellor started asking questions, I realized I had been burying a lot of nasty emotions and feelings.
A lot of fear about the very uncertain future and serious discomfort about our current living situation mixed together and created a massive blow-up after counselling had ended. Unfortunately, it didn’t hit until the car ride home.
I kid you not, I cried for two hours straight. And not just like, a tear here or there, but I cried so hard I caused myself to have a panic attack and couldn’t breath for about 30 seconds.
I think one of the main problems is that I thought I had fought off my depression.Since the past few weeks have been relatively good, I thought it was just…gone. I thought I was “over it.” In the past, I’ve had bouts of anxiety-related depression that totally disappeared the second my anxiety improved.
But this is different. This “bout” of depression has been around for a year now. it isn’t going away. I have to realize that, just like my good old pal anxiety, depression is here to stay.
Now, even though I felt hopeless today, this isn’t a hopeless post. After a long time speaking with my parents, my husband, and even hanging out with my brother, I’m feeling better. But I have to remember I no longer have my mental illness figured out. My anxiety is predictable. But this depression…well, it’s not.
So yeah, now I have to figure out how to live with both anxiety and depression. I have to admit to myself that this is not just a phase. It’s going to be hard, but I’ll fight it. I hope one day that anxiety and depression can move on and I can make some new, healthier friendships.