I don’t write about my emetophobia as often as a used to. I mean, I guess that’s a good thing because it is not as prevalent in my life as it used to be. Still, it’s not gone. Still, it sometimes disrupts my life and makes simple things oh so difficult.
Spring is hard for me. I developed my emetophobia 15 years ago during March break (around the middle of March…around this time exactly) when I came down with TWO horrible bouts of the stomach flu.
Every March break since then has brought with it panic attacks. I have been out of high school for six years and therefore haven’t even HAD a March break for six years…and still…the fear plagues me around this time of year.
I went about a month or two without having a panic attack related to my stomach issues. I know that might not seem like a big deal, but for at least 10 years, I had panic attacks every. single. day. because of my emetophobia. So, a month, and only ONE in a month, is pretty awesome.
But since March has begun, I’ve had about three panic attacks directly related to my emetophobia. Even as I write this now, I can feel my hands start to sweat and my breathing quicken.
Overall, my emetophobia has been almost completely under control this year. Since getting married, I’ve had so many other things to worry about that at times, I forgot I even had this phobia. I forgot that just five years ago, going out to restaurant would give me a full-blown panic attack. I forgot that ten years ago, I was so underweight my parents worried about my every single day because I barely ate a thing. I forgot. But now I remember.
It’s not over. It’s not defeated. I still have to deal with this horrible phobia.
Thankfully, it no longer controls my life. So, yeah, there’s that.
For the very first time in my life, I actually have to worry about what I eat because I notice myself gaining a little bit too much weight.
So, this may be a bad month. But I have to remind myself of all the progress and rejoice that this is not five or ten years ago or fifteen years ago. This is now. And now, I am at least okay.