…Or maybe not so surprisingly. Two years ago, I wrote a post called Surprisingly Underwhelmed. I had a lot going on, and yet…I was okay. This year, it feels like the total opposite. I don’t have a whole lot going on and yet…I am so not okay.
Depression update: I’ve been doing a lot better. I love my classes, my spiritual life has been on track, and I’ve finally stopped obsessing over death (though I still have some intrusive thoughts, I can manage them much better now).
Because I’ve been feeling better overall, I guess I just thought I was like, cured or something.
Which is totally stupid, because I know for a fact that anxiety doesn’t work that way – so why did I think my depression would just magically disappear and never return the first time I had a good week? I don’t know. Because I’m a dumb, I guess.
But seriously, I should have been more careful. Because I assumed that I was “totally fine,” I stopped being cautious about my feelings and my emotions. On Friday, I had a massive blowout.
I won’t get into the gritty details, but it was not good. I felt surprisingly overwhelmed and I had no idea why (well, there was sort of a reason…but it should NOT have caused that much distress). After hours of panic, crying, and hopelessness, I realized the mistake I made.
I thought I was fine. I was not fine.
When I experience periods of high anxiety, I know what to do. I take things slow. I don’t overload myself. I drop courses even if it seems like a stupid idea (and that is another story). I’m not afraid to tell people “no” or skip a day of class because I know my mental health is more important. When I experience periods of high anxiety, I take care of my brain.
But I didn’t do that this time. As soon as I started feeling better, even though I should have known my depression wasn’t just going to fly away on some magical one-way plane. So, instead of taking care of my brain, I treated it like how I normally do when things are actually okay.
Anyway, I think I’ve learned from this experience. I should never, ever let myself get to a place where I feel surprised that I’m overwhelmed. And that’s that.