I’ve reached an interesting point in my battle with depression today. I don’t know what to do about it, how long it will last, or if it’s even a good thing. I mean, I suppose it’s not terrible because I finally feel like I want to be productive. I feel restless. I feel bored. But somehow, at the same time, I feel just as unmotivated as before.
I spent the day at my parent’s house today. They have a guest bedroom set up for me with a desk, a bed, and a little TV. Jeff has class all day, and I didn’t want to be home alone. Spending an entire day alone would be horrible for my mental health.
The past few days I have actually been feeling better. It hasn’t been completely uphill, but it is getting consistently better.
Today though, since I wasn’t at home and didn’t have much to do, I felt so incredibly bored. I felt restless. I still feel this way. I’m counting down the hours until Jeff gets home from school (still almost five more to go).
Today, I wanted to do everything. I wanted to get my readings done for class, I wanted to go shopping, I wanted to work out, I wanted to write an award-winning short story, I wanted to blog a post so good it would get shared all over the internet.
But whenever I thought about actually doing those things (except my readings, I actually did those), I lost all motivation. All my ideas seemed stupid, unreasonable, and unrealistic.
“I’m too tired to shop. Besides, you have no money to spend anyway.”
“What’s the point in working out? You’ll never stay consistent.”
“My writing isn’t even that good. I only got a 75% in my writing last class. I stink.”
“No one cares about you or your blog posts.”
Somehow, I wanted to do nothing and everything at the same time.
It feels like a step in the right direction. Last week I marathoned Friends on Netflix for five hours without a care in the world. Now, sitting in front of the T.V. or computer for that long seems like torture.
I feel my creativity flowing. I feel like I need an outlet. I need to write or blog some more or draw or paint or…I don’t know.
Every time I’ve tried to write today, my mind has barely co-operated. The amount of spelling mistakes I’ve had to fix just writing this blog post (and who knows how many I’ve missed) is more than I make in a week. My mind is tired, but I feel full of energy.
I feel confident and yet so doubtful in my abilities. I mean, I probably will never write a viral blog post – but some people do read this and seem to enjoy it.
Yeah, consistently working out is hard, and sometimes I’ve failed – but I’ve been keeping on track for a while now.
I’m confused, I’m frustrated, I’m restless…but I’m not motivated.
I guess we’ll just have to see how tomorrow goes.
I really do hope this is just part of the upward climb.