This is sort of a continuation from Monday’s post. Well, continuation isn’t really the right word. I guess an it’s more like an update. On Monday I wasn’t in a great place. And even though I’m doing “better,” my anxiety is still a 10/10 right now. What does that even mean? Honestly, I’m not even sure.
For me, 10/10 anxiety doesn’t mean I’m in a full state of panic. When I have panic attacks, that’s only about a 5 or 6. But this 10/10 anxiety, well, it’s constant. It’s just there, in the back of my mind, 24/7.
I occasionally become depressed due to my anxiety. It has happened a handful of times, the first being about seven years ago…and the most recent being…right now.
This kind of anxiety/depression is hard for me to deal with. I can handle having a panic attack. I can handle temporary situational anxiety. But right now I am living in constant torture.
This kind of anxiety isn’t always noticeable. Today, my husband came up to me and said “Hey it looks like you’re doing so much better! You’re laughing and smiling!”
I wish it worked that way. I wish just a laugh and a smile meant everything was better. But things are not better. Right now, everything I think about leads to the thought of death and it’s exhausting. I’m having trouble concentrating. I’m having trouble staying awake. I’m having trouble doing anything and everything.
But right now, right at this moment, I don’t feel that bad. I mean, I feel worse than usual but not as bad as I did Monday. The scary thing is, I know that at any moment for any reason, I could spiral back into Monday’s place. Right now though, right now I’m okay, I guess. How am I feeling right now? I honestly don’t even know.