…Stressful. Hectic. Full of changes. Full of frustration. Full of fear. And then…finally…full of hope.
My last post was on September 1st. I had been consistently blogging for a few weeks at that point, and then life happened. As it always does. The thought of the upcoming semester (almost a full course load in my fifth year), the thought of all the volunteer work I signed up to do (youth leader and Sunday school teacher), the thought of possibly having to find a job and make time for my husband and not completely fall apart overwhelmed me. It seemed impossible.
Now, usually, when I feel overwhelmed, I turn to God. I’m usually like, “Yo, God. I am turning into a sea of tears and a becoming a ball of anxiety. I need you.” But instead of turning to God, I turned from God. And that was my first mistake. My fatal mistake.
Because two weeks ago, things seemed kind of overwhelming. And yesterday, I was beyond overwhelmed. I was “I-don’t-want-to-do-any-of-this-anymore-including-live” overwhelmed.
I feel like Christians are always so ashamed to admit when they have doubts or when they struggle to maintain their relationship with God. It’s nothing to be ashamed about and I wish more people talked about it. My relationship with God was suffering because I refused to trust that He would help me through this difficult year as a newly married woman attempting to finish her undergrad.
This lack of trust lead to yesterday’s breakdown.
And honestly, I’m glad I broke down. Because it made me realize that I need to start trusting God again. And I know that trusting God doesn’t mean I won’t ever feel stressed and it doesn’t mean that things won’t be tough. But finally, a sense of peace came over me and I knew what I had to do. I knew that I had taken on too much. Trusting in God didn’t mean that I magically gained the power to do all the things I initially thought I could this year. It meant realizing that He is in control so I could sit back and look calmly upon my life and figure out a plan for this year.
And my plan was to drop 3 out of 4 of my classes. Yes, I am taking ONE class this semester. And that might mean that I have to go back for a sixth year. But you know what else it means? It means that I have peace of mind. It means that I can put my relationship with God first before school and before the stress and before a job and before whatever else comes my way.
Yesterday, I realized how tired I was of being afraid. Of being afraid that God would let me down. Because looking back on my life, He never has.
So, now my semester looks pretty different than I thought it would at the end of the summer. Just one class, but lots of networking and freelance writing work which I didn’t expect to be doing. Lots of volunteer work, but with one day a week that Jeff and I have aaall to ourselves. Our sabbath. Lots of getting my relationship with God back on track, but hey – I’m actually looking forward to that.
Anyway, I think this post was a bit rambly because I had a lot to say and I wasn’t quite sure how to say it. But basically, two weeks ago I was a mess. Yesterday I was a mess. But today, I am feeling great again.