Faith

My Life The Past Two Weeks Has Been…

lifetwoweeks

…Stressful. Hectic. Full of changes. Full of frustration. Full of fear. And then…finally…full of hope

My last post was on September 1st.  I had been consistently blogging for a few weeks at that point, and then life happened. As it always does. The thought of the upcoming semester (almost a full course load in my fifth year), the thought of all the volunteer work I signed up to do (youth leader and Sunday school teacher), the thought of possibly having to find a job and make time for my husband and not completely fall apart overwhelmed me. It seemed impossible.

Now, usually, when I feel overwhelmed, I turn to God. I’m usually like, “Yo, God. I am turning into a sea of tears and a becoming a ball of anxiety. I need you.” But instead of turning to God, I turned from God. And that was my first mistake. My fatal mistake.

Because two weeks ago, things seemed kind of overwhelming. And yesterday, I was beyond overwhelmed. I was “I-don’t-want-to-do-any-of-this-anymore-including-live” overwhelmed.

I feel like Christians are always so ashamed to admit when they have doubts or when they struggle to maintain their relationship with God. It’s nothing to be ashamed about and I wish more people talked about it. My relationship with God was suffering because I refused to trust that He would help me through this difficult year as a newly married woman attempting to finish her undergrad.

This lack of trust lead to yesterday’s breakdown.

And honestly, I’m glad I broke down. Because it made me realize that I need to start trusting God again. And I know that trusting God doesn’t mean I won’t ever feel stressed and it doesn’t mean that things won’t be tough. But finally, a sense of peace came over me and I knew what I had to do. I knew that I had taken on too much. Trusting in God didn’t mean that I magically gained the power to do all the things I initially thought I could this year. It meant realizing that He is in control so I could sit back and look calmly upon my life and figure out a plan for this year.

And my plan was to drop 3 out of 4 of my classes. Yes, I am taking ONE class this semester. And that might mean that I have to go back for a sixth year. But you know what else it means? It means that I have peace of mind. It means that I can put my relationship with God first before school and before the stress and before a job and before whatever else comes my way.

Yesterday, I realized how tired I was of being afraid. Of being afraid that God would let me down. Because looking back on my life, He never has.

So, now my semester looks pretty different than I thought it would at the end of the summer. Just one class, but lots of networking and freelance writing work which I didn’t expect to be doing. Lots of volunteer work, but with one day a week that Jeff and I have aaall to ourselves. Our sabbath. Lots of getting my relationship with God back on track, but hey – I’m actually looking forward to that.

Anyway, I think this post was a bit rambly because I had a lot to say and I wasn’t quite sure how to say it. But basically, two weeks ago I was a mess. Yesterday I was a mess. But today, I am feeling great again.

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