Last night, I cancelled on a friend. Not because of my anxiety, but because I was actually feeling sick. Still, it made me wonder how many times I cancelled on friends. How many times they were looking forward to seeing me, and an hour before our coffee date or shopping date or lunch date or Chapters date, and I cancelled. Not because I was sick, but because of my anxiety.10 times? No, I’ve probably cancelled on people 10 times in just the past 6 months. 20? Still too low. 50? Still low. We’re talking about my entire life here. It’s gotta be in the hundreds. I’ve let people down hundreds of times.
I’m not saying anxiety isn’t a good reason. Sometimes, it’s just impossible to things that are easy for others. Anxiety is a sickness. But it’s a sickness that sometimes, I can overcome. But sometimes, I can’t.
So friends, and old friends, and family, and fiancé…I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for all the cancelled plans. I’m sorry my anxiety gets in the way of our relationships. I’m sorry.
One good thing about anxiety is you really get to see who the people are who love you no matter what.