I think I am pretty honest and open about the struggles that come with mental health disorders. Yeah, I often write about my accomplishments, but I’ve also tried hard to write about my failures and about the times when anxiety won. Today, I want to take an honest, in-depth look at how anxiety manifests itself. I want to show you how ugly it can be.
I’ll be honest here. Sometimes, doing normal, everyday things is a challenge. I stayed over at my fiancé’s parents house two weeks, because he lives an hour away and sometimes that’s just easier. Well, I got home, plopped by bag on my bedroom floor, and said to myself, “I’ll unpack it later.” Yeah, I am also lazy. But my anxiety makes me even lazier. Who has time to unpack a bag when they’re worried about school or their relationship or their health? It’s tiring. It’s exhausting. Sometimes, I just don’t feel like being clean or I just don’t care anymore. Sometimes, during the bad months, I go a day or two longer than I should without showering. Sometimes, I just lay down on my dirty bedroom floor and cry.
I wish someone told me how discouraging anxiety can be. I can get discouraged so easily. If you follow my blog, you know that this semester I was in a specialized class where we get to create a book. Literally, we do everything in the book-making process from designing the cover to hiring a copyeditor to typesetting our own stories in Adobe InDesign. InDesign is a challenging program. As quickly as I got excited for the class, I became horribly discouraged. I almost dropped the class, even though I knew that by the end of it, I would have a PUBLISHED book (which will be up for sale soon!) The monster that is anxiety tried to take this away from me. It was not pretty. It was pathetic.
My anxiety has sometimes made me anti-social. If you are reading this and you are my friend, I’m sorry to be brutally honest here and say that a lot of times if you ask to hang out, I’ll say I’m busy. But it’s not totally true. Yeah I mean, I am “busy” … binge-watching a TV show or sitting in bed reading a book. Definitely not busy enough to say no to you. Sometimes the thought of getting up off my floor and changing out the pajamas I’ve been sitting in for the past three days is horrifying. It’s too much effort. My brain can only take so much, and if it’s been filled with too many anxieties or worries, I just don’t have the energy to do anything other than lay there. Lifeless.
I wish these things weren’t true. I wish I didn’t feel like giving up on everything I start. I wish I had the energy to hang out with all my friends whenever they wanted. I wish I didn’t feel so helpless.
Honestly, my anxiety has been almost completely under control for at least the past six months. But that doesn’t mean these things will never happen again, and it doesn’t even mean they don’t sporadically happen even during the “good times.” I want to remind myself of this. I want rejoice in the fact that right now, I don’t have to deal with many of these issues. But unfortunately, I know I will at some point again.
I want to show you guys an honest look at someone who sufferers from anxiety. It is a truly life-sucking illness and if I’m not careful, it can completely take over. I drew this pictures because as serious as this issue is, I also kind of like to make fun of myself. What else can you do? Also, I kind of just wanted an excuse to draw pictures because I’m not feeling well today and am pretty bored.