Panic on a Train

Two months ago, F (my fiancé) and I took a train to meet with my friend, and old youth pastor (let’s call him “Rick”), for our first pre-marital counseling session. Because we live in the horrendous land of perpetual winter (i.e. Canada), it was supposed to snow that weekend and we didn’t want to risk driving five hours away in bad weather. So we took a train. 

Now, I was nervous that morning. Our train left the station at 7:15 AM. Mornings are typically not great for my stomach pain. I managed to eat a slice of plain toast though – I didn’t think I would be able to eat anything at all. My acid reflux was acting up because I was so nervous, and there were a few times I felt kind of “gaggy.” BUT I did it. I went on the train. And for the next five hours, I was calm.

I was able to stay over at Rick’s house without ANY panic. I slept over there, and I was fine. (If you haven’t read my other posts, I sometimes have issues sleeping over at other people’s houses) This time – I was good. Maybe because I had F with me, or maybe because I REALLY missed Rick and his family (they moved five hours away two years ago, after living only 15 minutes away in the previous four years).  I was also able to EAT! Eating when I’m not in a familiar environment is hard for me. But I ate a lot – both F and Rick would testify to that. They were both impressed!

Then we got back on the train the next day and headed home.

Well, the train ride did not go as smoothly as the train ride there.

I got a hint of motion sickness on the way back. Nothing serious, just a bit of nausea. After closing my eyes and relaxing, I was okay – mostly.

But then I had to pee.


We were at the front of the train. The bathrooms were at the very back. The train was flying all over the place – I guess tracks can get bumpy too?

Either way, I was terrified of getting up and going to the bathroom. I held it for like, an hour. I literally had a PANIC ATTACK because I was too scared to get up and go pee. F, although found this situation hilarious, helped calm me down. Eventually I was able to pee.

Sometimes, the reason my panic attacks seem really, really stupid. I get it. Other people with anxiety disorders probably feel like their panic attacks seem stupid too. But that’s OKAY. I just want people to realize that they’re not alone struggling with “stupid” fears. To other people, things like getting up to go pee on a train may seem small. Most people wouldn’t even think twice about it. But it’s not so easy for me. Life is not so simple. And that’s okay, cause I’m dealing with it the best I can. And at least I can laugh about it after (and sometimes during).

P.S. I no longer hate Adobe InDesign, and my book will be PUBLISHED by April! My final story in the book is actually about this incident!

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