This post may be hard for some of you guys to relate to. But just think of it as any-big-event-or-life-altering-decision anxiety. I have always wanted to be married. I have not always wanted to get married, i.e. have a wedding. Wedding planning stresses me out – and my mom is doing most of it for me! This post is not only about my wedding-stress, but it’s also about my commitment fears. We should be able to talk about this stuff, right?
First, I’ll rant a bit about my wedding anxieties. I hate being the center of attention. Like…I hate it. I don’t like people looking at me. I don’t like people paying attention to me. If everyone is paying attention to me, I can’t escape. I can’t sneak out the back of my lecture hall. I can’t pull over on the side of the road and decide to skip class and go back home. I can’t tell the host I’m not feeling well and leave the party before anyone else notices. This is my party. I can’t leave. And that scares me so much.
But in order to be married, I have to get married. I have to get through all the wedding planning, and I have to get through the wedding. Walking down the aisle is my biggest fear right now. With my emetophobia, I’m constantly worrying (yes, even now, three months before I actually get married) that I’ll get SICK walking down the aisle.
I know I’m going to be extremely nervous that morning. I know my stomach will hurt. The ceremony is taking place at 11:30 AM because that was the earliest I could get my mom to agree to, and I want to get this whole thing over with as soon as possible.
As I mentioned earlier, the wedding isn’t the only thing I’m anxious about.
I have a huge fear of commitment. to anything. I love having a way out. But now I’m engaged, and if we look at engagement from the Christian perspective…I’m already married. So I shouldn’t be feeling these fears and doubts right? But that’s just who I am. And I love my fiancé so much, and I could never imagine my life without him at this point. But HE has a huge fear of commitment too! After F (the fiancé) and I had dated for just TWO months, that was the longest relationship he had ever been in.
So yeah, here we are, two weenies with a fear of commitment, getting married in less than three months. It’s kind of funny because we take turns being scared. I’ll go a few weeks being awesome, and then he’ll get worried about the future. Then he’s over it like, 10 minutes later and I start getting freaked out. We are at an interesting stage.
I don’t even worry that we’re both worried because…I think it’s natural to worry before making such a huge, real commitment! I feel like movies and TV shows and other media romanticize how we “should” be feeling at this time so much. It’s not all happiness and rainbows. It’s not all red roses and wedding countdowns. There are fears. There are anxieties. There are arguments. We are both a little nervous moving into this. But we know our fears a) are not from God and b) really don’t mean anything other than we are human.
So yeah. I’m sometimes an anxious mess over both the wedding and the fact that soon, I will be married. Sometimes, my fiancé gets nervous about the future too. It doesn’t mean we don’t love each other. It doesn’t mean this won’t all work out. If you are feeling this way before you get married, I’d say you’re normal too.
If you’re feeling this way, I have this one bit of advice for you: (And this advice could work with any big commitment, for example, starting university, moving away from home, etc. You’d just have to change the wording a bit!)
Focus on the positives – In my case, I have to focus on the positives of my partner. F is not perfect. He is inexperienced when it comes to relationships and sometimes after he does something dumb I wonder, “how could you have possibly thought that was a good idea?!” But he is learning. And he is a fast learner. And he deals with my anxiety better than ANYONE else I have ever dated or known, including my parents. F loves God more than he loves me or himself, which is exactly what I wanted in a man. He is smart, he values his education, and he is the hardest worker I know. If I focus on the dumb things he says and does from time to time, I get more anxious about the future because I find myself saying “can I live with someone who does that stuff FOREVER?!” But when I focus on the GOOD, I find myself saying “I’m so blessed I get to live with that forever.”
So yeah, commitment is scary, even if you love the person you’re committed to. I’m finally realizing that although the engagement period is a lot of fun, it’s also stressful and we both have fears to work through. Thankfully, we have both been very patient with each other as we’ve expressed our concerns about the future – and no matter what, we commit all these things to God. That’s all we can do.