I was looking through some of my older posts this morning, and came across this one. I didn’t recognize the tittle, so I assumed I had written it sometime last year. I was wrong. I wrote it two months ago! In case you don’t want to read the post, it was basically about the fact that because of my anxiety, I felt too dependant on other people (e.g. my parents) and that I had lost something very dear to me – my independence.
After reading that post, I realized what a horrible place I was in two months ago. Thinking back to it, I don’t remember it being that bad. But looking at everything I’ve been doing this past month, I realize I have made some crazy progress. And that is awesome.
Sometimes when we have dealt with anxiety for so long, everything sort of just blends together. I didn’t notice all the positive changes that I was making for myself – all I’ve been noticing lately is how anxious I’ve been.
However, despite my anxiety, I’ve somehow managed to reclaim my independence. Which is amazing, because I didn’t even realize I was doing it! Two months ago, I couldn’t even go get blood work done alone. I had to get my dad to take me. I had a hard time going to school – I still went, but I missed a lot of classes. I had a hard time going out with my friends – I still did it, but it was not easy.
I don’t know what changed for me. I don’t know how I managed to get over all this. Maybe it was because I was forced, in some situations, to just deal with things on my own. Maybe it was because I had motivation to go do certain things (e.g. drive 45 minutes on the highway to go visit F.). Maybe there was a part of me that knew I couldn’t live like that anymore. Not at 21 years old.
This past month, I have regained my independence.
I’ve taken myself to stressful doctor’s appointments (getting lots of heart tests done)
I’ve taken myself to the car dealership to get my brakes fixed on my new car (it was a minor thing)
I’ve taken myself to the library to browse around and check out some new books (too poor to buy books right now)
I’ve gone out of my comfort zone multiple times in order to spend time with F. (and we always have a lot of fun)
I even applied for a job at the new church I started going to back in October, and I have an interview next week! I’ve been doing things…I’ve been doing things MY SELF. Without the help of my parents. Without the help of friends. Without the help of anyone (except, well, God, but you know…that’s a little different!). I’ve been doing things by myself, for myself.
And that feels really good.