When a lot of really good things are happening in my life, I worry. I worry that if good things happen, something bad has to come up just to even things out. If you’ve read my post “Scared To Be Happy” (which is apparently my top post!), you’ll see this is nothing new. I’ve struggled with this for a long time, and you may be struggling too.
Anywaaaaay, right now, three big things are happening in my life:
1. I bought my first car a week ago! (:
2. I’ve been seeing someone new for a month now! (:
3. I have a bunch of specialist appointments to make sure there’s nothing wrong with my heart! D:
The first two are, obviously, very exciting. The third one could go either way – and I shouldn’t worry until I get the results. I had tests done last year and although they found out I have an “irregular rhythm”, they said it was nothing to worry about and just wanted to check up on me a year later. So I shouldn’t worry – right?
But I am worrying. I’m extra worried because I think, well, 2 really cool things are going on right now – that means SOMETHING bad is going to happen. Something is going to go wrong with my heart. I can’t have an awesome new guy in my life, an awesome new car to drive, and an awesome, normal heart beating in my chest.
That just can’t happen. Good things don’t happen to me, especially not in 3’s.
So in my head, I decided there are 3 possible outcomes:
1. New boy ✔ – Things work out!
2. New car ✔ – Car works great!
Heart – You’re dying!
New boy – Too bad for you!
2. New car ✔ – Awesome car!
3. Heart ✔ – Yay, you’re fine!
1. New boy ✔ – Woo!
New car – Breaks down the second you take it off the lot.
3. Heart ✔ – Go run a marathon!
Why am I doing this to myself? Who says that three good things can’t happen at the same time? Who says that one thing has to go wrong? The world isn’t trying to mess with me. It’s not trying to mess with you either.
Things happen. Good things. Bad things. Great things. Horrible things. They don’t happen in any particular order. They don’t necessarily happen for any reason. They definitely don’t happen just to “even” things out in your life.
Last year, a lot of really bad things happened all at once. My grandfather passed away, my grandmother got diagnosed with cancer, I had to miss an exam, two of my good friends stopped talking to me, my anxiety levels were through the roof…and so on. Nothing super great happened during that year to “even things out”. But I survived. So, if nothing great happened to “even things out” during a bad period in my life – why do I think something bad is going to happen to “even things out” now?!
Does this mean that nothing bad is going to happen to me now? Definitely not. My heart may have problems. Things might not work out with this new guy. My new car may be significantly less awesome than I am anticipating. Maybe all three of those things will happen! Maybe 2/3. Maybe 1/3 – just like I thought. Or maybe 0/3.
What I had to do was simply realize life doesn’t work like this. It’s okay to be happy. It’s okay to be happy and not expect something horrible to happen. If something bad does happen, I’ll deal with it. I can’t keep anticipating negative outcomes. I do this because I’m scared to be happy. Because I’m scared to be hopeful. Because I’m scared to get excited about something that may end up disappointing me in the end.
But that’s no way to live. I don’t know how many of you struggle with this, (I would love to hear your thoughts, comments and opinions! …don’t leave me hanging now!) but it’s something we can get through. I know my faith really helps. The Bible consistently talks about being positive, about trusting in God, about being hopeful and courageous and about rejoicing no matter what happens in life. This isn’t just advice for Christians, if we all lived this way, the world would be a much happier place.
The lyrics to the Casting Crown’s song “All You’ve Ever Wanted” really speak to me in moments where I rely completely on my own limited understanding…
“I’ll stop living off of how I feel,
and I’ll start standing on Your truth revealed”