I don’t know about you, but sometimes I can be a little too critical. Sometimes of other people (which I’m working on), but usually of myself (which I’m really working on). It’s hard to feel proud of yourself when nothing you ever do is good enough…for you. Lately, I’ve felt like I can’t do anything right. Like nothing I do is good enough. Like I have nothing to feel good about. But then I realized that there have been things I should feel good about. Little things. I should still be proud of the little things, right?
In one of my recent posts, I mentioned that I have been diagnosed with depression (caused by anxiety). Lately, I have been unmotivated, tired, bored, and disinterested in doing just about everything. And when I say everything – I mean everything. All the things I normally love doing, I haven’t had the energy to do.
Normally, I go to the Chapters/Starbucks by my house at least once a week. Browse the books, grab a coffee, eat a cookie. Sit there all alone and enjoy my own company. Normally, I see a few friends a week. Normally, I have fun at school. Normally, I go to church and young adults group on Sundays. Normally, I enjoy doing these things.
But not the past few weeks. Nope.
And you know what happens whenever I avoid doing things? I make myself even more depressed. Because I feel bad about not getting out of the house and being productive.
“Why even bother going to school if you know you’re going to leave early?”
“Why even bother going to Chapters if you know you’re only going to stay for 10 minutes?”
“Why even bother seeing your friend if you know you don’t have anything to say?”
…Might as well just stay home. Don’t bother.
But guess what. This past Sunday, I fought those feelings.
Even though I knew I wouldn’t have the energy to go to young adults group, I still went to church. I got all dressed up in the morning. I did my hair all nice. I put on makeup. I walked out the door and drove to church and sat with two of my new friends and worshipped in the service and listened to the sermon and prayed with my friend at the end.
No, I didn’t end up going to young adults. A little voice in my head kept telling me: “You didn’t do anything. You shouldn’t be proud. All you did was go to church! You couldn’t even go to young adults after! This isn’t a victory at all.”
But you know what? It WAS a victory.
Sometimes, you need to lower your own expectations of what you can handle. Of what you can accomplish. Sometimes, doing even the smallest thing can still be a victory. And you should be proud of every little victory in your life.