I haven’t made a real post about my anxiety in a long time. If you missed those kind of posts, you’re in luck! Because I’m having a bad anxiety day and all I want to do is crawl into a hole and hide. Forever. And cry. The one thing I hate most about my anxiety isn’t how crappy it makes me feel (although that is, obviously, unpleasant). It isn’t the panic attacks or the stomach aches or the occasional shakes. It’s the fact sometimes, it makes me feel completely dependant on other people. And I hate that.
Most of the time, I feel like I’ve lost my independence. I’m scared to do so many things alone, that I end up relying on other people to help me. Now, I’ve gotten a lot better over the years. I go to the mall by myself, I go out of coffee alone at least once a week, I do my own grocery shopping now, I take myself to and from university…so…yeah, it’s not like I am incapable of doing anything alone.
But I want to be able to do EVERYTHING alone. This morning I was supposed to go get blood work done. (I AM SO TIRED OF BLOOD TESTS). My dad was going to take me on Saturday. I had a lot of homework to do, so I decided I would just go alone today. My day off. But can I do it? Nope. I chickened out. I’ve been putting it off for a month. A MONTH! I might be anemic and I’ve been putting off finding out what is wrong with me for a whole month.
Because I’m scared to do it alone.
I’ve had so much blood work done over the past 10 months that I’m not even scared of the blood test itself. I just keep thinking “what if I feel faint after and can’t drive home?” Or “what if I feel faint WHILE driving home?!” or “what if I actually pass out and there’s no one there to help me?”