The past few days, I feel as though I have given up the fight. It happens every once and a while. I just stop fighting the anxiety. I let it completely take over. I start wallowing in self-pity, self-loathing and dirty clothes (because I can’t be bothered to clean my room). It happens for different reasons every time. This time, it was because I convinced myself I had “postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome“…yeah…
And even if I did end up having it, It’s not even a death sentence, (WARNING: if you are a hypochondriac do NOT look it up, because a lot of its symptoms are exactly the same as anxiety symptoms – and you will think you have it too).
For about a week or two, I’d been having a lot of problems sleeping. I’d wake up in the middle of the night, get up to drink, go to the bathroom, or even just switch over to a different side, and my heart would start RACING. Like I just ran a marathon! Back in April, I had a bunch of tests done on my heart (and I’m fine) but that didn’t stop me from worrying. When I found out that the only way to test for POTS is a “tilt table test” I realized that if I had it, it wouldn’t have shown up on all those other heart tests! So I became convinced I had it. Even my mother looked up the symptoms and said there was possibility based on my symptoms, but not to worry – and go see a doctor if I was that concerned.
I absolutely freaked out. Completely and totally lost my mind. I started becoming increasingly depressed. I wanted to die and get it over with, so I wouldn’t have to worry about my health anymore. I didn’t shower for like, 3 or 4 days. I didn’t leave my room except to eat and go to the bathroom. My bedroom was an absolute disgusting mess. I cried all day. I avoided talking to my friends, and when I did, I pretended I was fine. Clearly, I was not.
I also began to worry about the blood work I have to get done tomorrow morning. For two reasons. First, because I have to fast. I basically pass out with needles no matter what (something to do with my blood pressure and a reaction to needles) so I couldn’t imagine what it’s going to be like with no food in my stomach! And second, because I’m terrified of getting results back. Maybe I have some rare disease? Maybe it’s incurable? Maybe I’m REALLY sick this time.
So it was an endless cycle of worry, depression, anxiety, fear, and actually just wanting to no longer exist.
It was kind of scary. But this had happened before. More times than I’d like to admit.
Last night I had a horrible sleep. My heart was racing, I watched TV until 2 in the morning, my lights were on in my bedroom until 6:30 AM…but then once I woke up, I had had enough of my bullshit.
The first thing I did when I woke up? I completely cleaned my bedroom. I even made my bed, and that hasn’t happened in months. I did all my assignments and readings that were leftover for this week, and I started making study notes for a test I have on Tuesday. I had a mini-breakdown around 12:30 PM and started feeling sorry for myself again, but then got over it. I even took my dog for a walk.
Now, I’m sort of scared for my blood work. And I’m still not completely convinced I don’t have POTS. But I know that living like I did the past few days was worse than facing reality.