If you read my last post, you’ll know that I’ve been having a bit of trouble with my emetophobia the past few days. My stomach has been more upset than usual – which means my anxiety has also been more than usual. On top of that, I started back at school only a week ago, and of course, change hates me. And I hate it. So I haven’t been having a great time the past little while.
This morning I was feeling pretty good. I just woke up from a pretty freakin’ awesome dream, where I was held captive by some crazy political group in a strange, dystopian 1984esque world (I have no idea what goes on in my mind). I managed to escape the makeshift prison and went on a vigilante killing spree, setting a whole bunch of people free.
Okay, yeah. That’s kind of weird. But…weirdly awesome! Probably had something to do with the fact that I had just watched V for Vendetta yesterday. Anyway, the point is, I was feeling good. But then as the morning dragged on, I started to get anxious about my stomach. Because I had missed last class, I kept thinking “Oh no! What if something happens that makes me miss THIS class! And then that’s two classes I missed. And the first test – worth 40% of my mark, mind you – is already in TWO weeks! Oh no. I’m going to miss class again. I’m going to fail.”
I basically psyched myself out. Which I do a lot.
And then my stomach started to hurt. And my acid reflux started to get pretty bad. And I started to feel nauseous. And then, I didn’t want to go to class. But at 11:45, I packed up my bag, grabbed a water bottle from the basement, said good-bye to my dog, and hopped in my car.
And I drove to school. And I was panicked the whole way there!
When I go to my parking lot, I seriously considered turning around and driving back home. But I didn’t. When I walked into the main building, I seriously considered turning around, walking back to the parking lot, and driving back home. But I didn’t. When I got to class, I seriously considered walking out of the room, running back to my car, and driving back home. But I didn’t. After half the class was done – you guessed it – I considered leaving class early, walking to my car, and driving back home. But I didn’t.
I lasted the whole two hour class. I even went to the bookstore and bought a really nice agenda after!
So, there you go. I did it afraid. I didn’t give in. Not this time.