I’ve always loved sleep. Well actually, that’s sort of a lie. When I was a kid, I hated sleep. And I don’t mean like the normal “But Moooooom, I don’t want to go to bed yet!” No, that was never my problem. I loved going to bed. I was probably 10 years old and still going to bed before 9:00 with no complaints. See, the problem was never going to sleep. The problem was staying asleep.
I used to wake up between 4:30 – 5:30 until I was probably about 13 years old. I didn’t like sleep. It seemed like a waste of time to me. And since I was going to bed so early, I wanted to just get up and start my day! Play with my toys! Colour in my brand new dinosaur colouring book! Watch that awesome TV show that only comes on at 5:30 in the morning (…White Fang, at the time.)
Now, I like sleeping. I go to bed later, of course. And I also enjoy sleeping in. Nothing too crazy, mind you. But when I can, usually my ideal wake-up time is 9:30 – 10:30.
Unfortunately, I have sort of the same problem as when I was a kid. Staying asleep. But not for the same reasons. This time, it’s my anxiety. And it’s the monster under my bed.
Sometimes, it’s just because I have way too much on my mind. “Oh, extremely busy day tomorrow at work – AND you have to wake up extra early…here, let me keep you up another 3 hours before you can fall asleep.”
That sucks. Thinking too much sucks. I really need to start becoming more active during the day so that at night, I have no other choice but to completely pass out. It seems like the only solution to this issue.
However, the worst problem I have is breathing anxiety. Manual-breathing. I become very aware of my body at night. Way more than during the day. And I am already a paranoid hypochondriac, so I worry about my body, like, 95% of the time. (Not healthy, I know. I’m working on it).
Anyway, sometimes my body decides to REALLY think about how weird breathing is and to become very aware of it. And then it feels like I have to FORCE myself to breath or else it will just stop! Which I know won’t happen. This issue has been happening to me since I was a little kid. Sometimes it happens when I’m awake too, but usually that isn’t an issue because I get distracted and then my breathing goes back to normal. But nope! Not at night!
It’s probably the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced. And what makes it even MORE horrible is the fact that I know this really IS all in my head.
Fortunately, I found out there are plenty of other anxiety-sufferers who deal with this problem. It is a lot more common than I thought! So that’s given me some comfort.
Aside from that, I don’t have much to say. It’s been happening quite a lot lately, and it’s very frustrating.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll go for a 3 hour jog…just so I can sleep through the night.