Anxiety

Warm Bodies

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I watched the movie “Warm Bodies” yesterday. And no, this is not a movie review. Although it may contain spoilers so you are warned (though I wouldn’t recommend watching it anyway).
This movie really made me think. And it made me cry too. Not because of the cheesy romance though. Romance doesn’t really get to me. Maybe I’m cold-hearted. Anyway, it got to me because I over-analyzed it. 
I over-analyze a lot of things. However, I generally do not over-analyze movies because that is the one time my brain shuts off and allows me to just relax. Not yesterday however. I realized that I am basically a zombie. See, the zombie in this movie is far from the traditional zombie. He has feelings and thoughts and emotions (sort of) but can’t express them. He walks around doing the same thing every, single day and attempts to interact with other zombies but he can’t really do it.

This may sound cliche, but I feel like a zombie a lot of the time. No, I don’t crave brains. But I walk around the house or work or school doing the same thing over and over again and I don’t really live. I see people and I talk to them but I’m so wrapped up in my own thoughts I feel like I’m not really interacting with them the normal way. I have all these thoughts in my head and I can’t get them out. And they stop me from living the way I should. I either become numb and don’t care anymore, or care way too much to the point where I feel debilitated. I know this isn’t exactly the same…but it’s close. I think.

I’m alive, but I’m not living. 

And that sucks. My anxiety does not allow me to live. Or, I allow my anxiety to not allow me to live. I don’t even know anymore. I’m not in a very good place. For the first time in my life I am considering medication. I don’t know what to do, but I do know that I feel like a zombie.

And I don’t want to feel like a zombie anymore. I don’t want to simply be alive. I want to live.

2 thoughts on “Warm Bodies”

  1. This post reminds me of D. W . Winnicott’s False Self, where there is no gesture of spontaneity or realness. This sounds like Dissociation. Hope you find your way.

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