Today there was an ant in my kitchen. Normally I try to “save” bugs that get into my house by capture and release, but my mom got to this poor little guy first. And so there he was, crumpled in a tiny little heap. But his legs were still moving! I felt so bad for the crippled ant at this point. Which is probably kind of pathetic, I know. But this little guys’ legs kept wiggling about and I had to put him out his misery. So I grabbed a tissue and tried to squish him again. But he just wouldn’t squish. I know ants are strong and all, but holy crap I put all my weight on this tissue and he WAS STILL ALIVE! Sometimes this is how I feel about my anxiety.
I try. I try really hard to get rid of it. To think all those positive thoughts. To distract myself. To pray. To repeat comforting scripture verses. But sometimes no matter how hard I try, no matter how much pressure I put down, the anxiety just will not die. Eventually I just gave up with the ant, and threw the poor, crippled, half-crushed ant into the garbage with the tissue. I heard they don’t feel pain or something, but still. Sometimes I give up with my anxiety too. I just give up. I let it rot. Fester. Sit there in the figurative garbage can. Sometimes that’s all I can do. But I don’t want to give up. I want to crush the ant. (That sounds really mean, and I actually love insects – but you know what I’m saying!) Anxiety, like an ant, is resilient. You can try so many different things to get rid of it, and maybe you’ll do some damage but it just won’t die. It just won’t go away. You feel frustrated, hopeless, lost. You see it there, crippled and crunched up but it’s not completely dead.
The good news is that you can kill it. Even if it’s temporary. I’ve done it before. This year has been one of the worst years of my life in terms of anxiety – but I know that I can kill it. I’ve done it before. And I can do it again.