Yes, this is a picture of an owl. And if you’re reading my blog, you probably think I’m obsessed with owls. Which isn’t true. I actually find them kind of creepy.
Sometimes I wish I could be like this owl. Just fade away into something. Disappear. It’s almost like this owl is becoming one with the tree. It almost looks like he’s not only camouflaged, but that he is becoming fused with the tree.
When I’m having a panic attack, or feeling exceptionally anxious, I just want to fade away. I don’t want anyone to notice. And I’ve gotten very good at hiding it all. Only my mom can really tell when I’m having a panic attack. Panic attacks make you feel like your world is ending, like the feeling is never going to go away, like the only option you have is to run away or fade away. Fading away always seems like the best choice.But it’s not. Not really.
Even though I sometimes wish I could be like this owl and disappear into the trunk of a tree, fading away won’t make any of the problems I have go away. Because eventually, you have to come out of hiding.
This owl can’t stay in the tree forever. It eventually has to fly away, go hunt for food, spread his wings. And even if I were capable of disappearing and hiding when I feel the most anxious, eventually you have to come out. Fading away isn’t a solution. But maybe camouflage is.
This probably isn’t making any sense. But I did warn you – this IS the diary of a crazy person.
I can’t fade away, but I can turn to God. Maybe God can be my tree. The owl isn’t really fading away, is he? No. He’s camouflaged in the tree. He didn’t disappear. He’s still there. When I feel like fading away, I should just put on some camouflage instead. God’s word can protect me and give me peace. Peace to know that even though I’m still here, He’s here with me – putting on that camouflage is like working on my relationship with Him. And even when I feel like nothing makes sense and all I want to do is disappear, I know that when I have my camouflage, I’m able to go back to my tree and seek comfort from the storm. And when I’m feeling okay, I can go out on my own.
But I’ll always have my camouflage, and the tree is always there, so that when I feel those feelings again, I know exactly where to go.